Rating how good men are in bed by the car they drive?

Observations of a Middle-Aged Dragon with a Tattoo:   

  

What if you could rate how good men are in bed by the car they drive?

It’s a long observation this week but it could just be worth it.

Bear with me this may be a more of an accurate predictor of sexual prowess than you think.

Here are some examples:

dorth

Nothing says whipped or my balls are in a vice like a guy driving a dented mini-van going 50km/h in a 60km/h zone and to top it off who breaks going downhill. Don’t touch with a pike pole. Scream’s divorcee and too tired to lift his own weight. NO sign of a wham bam thankyou mamm, man here!

BEWARE: 

Middle-aged man, balding (any man actually) driving a late model mustang. I have noticed a marked increase in these American muscle cars around the burbs.

Mustang (Ford) has made a concerted effort to market their latest model very hard in recent years. ALAS: what does this say about the man in bed.

Probably, not so hard but he’ll be a TRY HARD especially if he calls his car a ‘Tang’. The original Mustang is Iconic. But this latest model to kind of quote William Shakespeare, it’s just protesting a little too much with its long front and a short end. Might be big up front but can’t sustain it, hence the short back end. Ladies it’ll be over before you know it.

To paraphrase Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee that’s not a muscle car (not in Australia anyway, maybe not anywhere).

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meryl

<<<<< BUT THIS  –  this is a muscle car:

The V8 Holden Commodore HSV GTS series now we’re talking Australian…. Grunt, grit, but more of a blunt instrument, not likely to be smooth. A bit rough through the gears, especially when at the end of his range. It’s a matter of taste if you like that sort of rough, tough, roll in the hay, and not much foreplay (lets face it, with a commodore what you see is what you get: no subtlety here) Good rating overall: but don’t expect surprises or finesse (no peacock feathers or blind folds). Nonetheless, a big engine that’ll go all night.

LOOK OUT for the slightly tougher, bigger brother to the V8 Holden HSV GTS introducing the V8 Holden HSV GTS ….. Maloo UTE now we’re really talking Australian, real occa Aussie.

Most likely a tradie or if it hasn’t got a scratch on it, a wannabe tradie. Warning ladies this man maybe in love with his car more than anything else in the world. Danger, Danger Wilma Robinson.

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CHEAPSKATES that come up even cheaper in bed. Overcompensation: A small end car with no guts or style but it has all the fruit. Is the owner over compensating for something?? Usually shown to have not enough get up and go or staying power. Sloppy handling, very average performance, and most likely cheap but adds a few trimmings to make out he’s the real deal. Proof is in the pudding and there is no afternoon delight to be found here. Steer clear…

Grunt models of Mercedes Benz or BMW: you’ll do alright as will he. Real get up and go, off the mark quick and suspension fairly stiff. Stiff enough to take the corners hard. But in the long run still depending on the model not the real grunt some of us may need for full satisfaction between the sheets. Unless it’s a BMW M model suped-up to the MAX.

mae

Smaller Mercedes convertibles: these cars have been known as hair dressers’ car or handle like a lounge chair. So what does that say about the man. Likely he’s small and showy even if the outer package is a fine design. Only a little bit of grunt, but in the end unsatisfying when it comes to stiff performance! Neat and tidy if you like that sort of thing in your men, (I do around the house but not so much in the bedroom, well not to this extreme: screams OCD).

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SUPER CARS: 

Ferraris: Mmmm debate is open. Overall the super car is an acquired taste. Fast, stylish, proven performance but maybe a bit too into himself. That is ladies, it’s going to be all about him…. as he checks  himself out in any mirror close by. Not sure we get a look in, but a test drive would sure be fun. Older Ferraris can overheat on hot days.  Not sure of length of performance in warmer Australian climes.

Porsche drivers: notoriously know as wankers, but the cars are good. Alas that still sees the majority of guys who own Porsches not knowing how to drive them or get the best performance out of them. They are driving it because it’s a Porsche. Somehow, they are probably the same it bed. They just don’t know how to use it or get the best performance out of it. All that style and horsepower goes to waste ….. operator error likely. All show, no real go. To be honest sometimes the shape can look all wrong. Definitely one to steer clear of, or a lot of ground-work is needed to suss out specs and capability!! If you find that rare breed of Porsche driver; the guy who knows how to drive it. GO FOR IT.

Is it a Four-Wheel Drive or SUV? 

The jury is out, again it’s a matter of gradations.

 

SUVs: These vehicles, while theoretically sports utility vehicles, are rarely really sporty and come up short. Take ages to get off the mark as the engine is usually underpowered. You’re in soccer Mum territory, a tough look on a woman not so much for a man. Really what does that say about the man driving the base model NO.

 

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REAL 4WD: In Australia we used to call most of these so-called Sports Utility Vehicles four-wheel drives. That’s because they were authentic off-road vehicles, who handled any bush really well. No waxing needed here. If you can find an original that’s a bona fide 4WD then yes: DO IT.

Ready for anything, stiff suspension, good grip and very, very much full of staying power. Good torque; a little like the V8 Commodore GTS, but bigger clearance great for rough terrain.

But back on the emasculated, purpose-build American SUVs, that vaguely look like they are four-wheel drives. Don’t be fooled they aren’t. What you really have is a big trunk, (rear end or boot), roomy, almost too big causing usually soft, sloppy performance. All that glitters isn’t gold. Plus suspension is saggy;definitely not stiff enough. In short: Don’t waste your time, a bit hit and miss in the bedroom and on the road for that matter. Lacks consistency in the performance stakes. A little meek and mild although looks big. NEED I SAY MORE: I mean look at it; a cake of soap has more shape and appeal.

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<<< HOTTED UP SUVs: Further up the range or should I say the food chain. You may find a WOW mamma moment! Now we’re torqueing, and this guy is much stiffer all round. A powerful lover sometimes turbo charged (the mind boggles).

Loads of grunt and a thrill to have driving (into) you. Performance is always there. Maybe a bit showy and little too into himself worth the experimentation.

DON’T GET TOO CARRIED AWAY: SUVs with too much fruit: Screams rapper wannabe: RUN far and fast. Signals misogynistic, disrespectful… all bluster and no bang. >>>>>>

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<<<<OTHER SUVs: This SUV is too equestrian, that’s horsey and upper class. The whole stiff upper lip, may not be good at down and dirty. Soft. DON’T GO HERE unless you like the prim and proper type…. why???

Not forgetting REAL iconic FOUR-WHEEL DRIVES:

Reliable rough and tough: Toyota HiLux: Unbreakable whether the top-line model with all the trimmings or the down and dirty base model. No social graces, or sophistication, but reliable, rough, and tough. Ready to get down and dirty, no show pony but not subtle either. Don’t expect any finesse or a warm cuddle afterwards,unless you have a guy who’s the top model with all the optional extra’s; foreplay maybe an optional extra as well.

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Last but not least the Suburu WRX: Simply the best of both worlds. Grab and bag him, ladies. Great BANG for your buck or is that f#ck! No more need be said. Go for it!

mae

 

There you have it, the bare bones of a guide. Let’s face it; knowledge of any kind, is power. To be ahead of the curve in any game saves time and in this game in particular, any extra ammo is gold.

Most models of cars will fit within the guidelines above so rate away. The world is your oyster! 

Above all have fun and laugh at yourself and life… it’s too short not to.  Dare you to…